Beware the Opportunists: They’re Watching, They’re Waiting, They Want Your Snacks!

You know the type. The human-shaped Wi-Fi leeches who only remember your name when they need a favor. The distant cousin who vanishes until he hears you got a pay raise. The workmate who suddenly becomes your lunch buddy the moment you bring homemade food. Opportunistic people are like pigeons at a park—charming at first, but before you know it, they’re swarming, cooing, and making a mess of your life (and your finances).

But fear not, dear friend! There are ways to outsmart these freeloaders without losing your sanity—or your wallet. Let’s dive into the master plan.

1. The Art of Selective Amnesia

If they can conveniently forget you exist until they need something, guess what? So can you! When they ask for favors, hit them with a classic, “Oh, I totally would, but I just remembered I left my generosity in my other pair of pants.” If they text you with a suspiciously sweet “Heyyyy bestieee! 😊” reply with an equally suspicious “New phone, who dis?” Works every time.

2. The Fake-Out Strategy

Opportunists thrive on detecting weakness. The moment they sense you’re a giving soul, they pounce like a cat on an unattended sandwich. So, throw them off their game! Next time someone hints that they need a ‘small loan,’ tell them you were just about to ask them for money first. Watch as they suddenly develop a pressing appointment in another country.

3. The Mystery Persona

Make yourself untrackable. Opportunists work on information. If they know you got paid, got a bonus, or just made an extra sandwich, you’re a target. Start responding to all inquiries about your life with cryptic, mystical answers like, “Oh, I’ve taken a vow of poverty” or “I now barter using rare seashells.” The more confused they are, the safer you’ll be.

4. The Over-the-Top Counterattack

Sometimes, it’s best to fight fire with a bonfire. When an opportunist asks for something, say yes—but with conditions so absurd they’ll never ask again. “Sure, I can lend you money! Just sign this 300-page contract, give me your firstborn goat, and perform an interpretive dance about financial responsibility.” Suddenly, they’re very capable of figuring things out on their own.

5. The ‘I’m Broke’ Bluff

The fastest way to repel an opportunist is to pretend you’re in a financial crisis. “Oh, I’d love to help, but I’m on a strict budget where I can only afford air and disappointment.” Bonus points if you dramatically stare off into the distance like you’re starring in a soap opera. They won’t risk sticking around long enough to become your new ‘investment opportunity.’

Final Thoughts: Be a Friend, Not a Doormat

Not everyone who asks for help is an opportunist—sometimes people genuinely need a hand. The trick is to spot the difference between someone who values you and someone who only values what you can do for them.

So stay sharp, protect your snacks, and remember: if they only call you when they need something, let them experience the rare and mythical ‘missed call.’