False Prophets Be Like: “God Told Me You Owe Me Rent.”

Hello, my friend. If you think all those sweet-talking, robe-wearing, “hallelujah-shouting” folks are legit just because they sprinkle a few Bible verses like confetti — think again.

Some of these so-called “prophets” are about as authentic as a Gucci bag sold from the trunk of a 1997 Corolla.

These people will slap “God said” on anything like it’s a limited-edition sticker pack.

“God told me you should cash app me your life savings.”

“God revealed you need to buy my $499 prayer cloth (now with free shipping!).”

“God wants you to sow a seed — directly into my offshore bank account, amen!”

Spoiler: God’s not running a Kickstarter campaign through Brother Bigmouth Ministries, okay?

They’ve got charisma so thick you could spread it on toast, and promises so shiny you’d think they were handing out tickets to heaven’s VIP lounge.

But newsflash: if someone’s “prophetic word” always ends with you being broke and them being suspiciously tan from a private beach in Bora Bora — RUN.

The Bible already warned us: “Beware of wolves in sheep’s clothing.”

Except now the wolves have podcasts, private jets, and enough sequins on their suits to trigger a solar eclipse.

You gotta keep those spiritual antennae UP, friend. If it smells fishier than a tuna sandwich left in a hot car, it’s probably not the Holy Spirit — it’s hustler spirit.

God doesn’t need a middleman with a PayPal link. He speaks through His Word, His Spirit, and sometimes through that one wise, slightly judgmental auntie who sees right through everybody.

So next time somebody comes “prophesying” over your life with wide eyes, jazz hands, and a suspicious shopping cart full of blessings (for a small love offering) —

Smile, nod, and moonwalk right on out of there.

Stay sharp. Stay prayed up. And most importantly:

Don’t let your wallet catch the Holy Ghost before your heart does.

Amen and AMEN.