The Politician’s Handbook: 10 Easy Steps to Rob the Country Like a Pro

InkOne
Sep 9
2 min read

Congratulations! You’ve decided to become a politician. That means you want power, fame, and more bank accounts than you have morals.

Don’t worry, future leaders, this handbook will teach you everything you need to know to rise from “ordinary citizen” to “untouchable political legend” while pretending to care about the people.

Step 1: Master the Sheep Costume

Before elections, you must look humble. Dust off that old barong or floral duster, and for heaven’s sake, leave the Gucci shoes at home.

Eat street food. Ride a tricycle. Hug babies like you actually like them. Cry on stage if you can. Oscar-worthy tears win votes.

Step 2: Promise the Impossible

The bigger the lie, the better.

Free WiFi for the entire country? Yes.
End traffic in 30 days? Absolutely.
Build a bridge to connect Earth to Mars? Why not!

Remember, campaign promises are like love letters: passionate, dramatic, and completely disposable after you get what you want.

Step 3: Collect Donations Like a Pro

Tell people it’s for the campaign. Technically, it is. That billboard with your face on it isn’t free, you know.

But also, that house in Spain isn’t going to pay for itself.

Step 4: Win the Election, Thank God, Forget the People

On election night, cry. Thank God. Thank the voters. Thank your dog.

Then, the very next day, forget everyone and start practicing your “I’m in a meeting” excuse for when people ask about those campaign promises.

Step 5: Build the Convoy of Doom

One car? Too humble.

Real politicians have convoys longer than the Great Wall of China. The secret is to make it look like you’re rushing to save the country, when you’re really just late for lunch at a five-star hotel.

Step 6: Perfect the Disappearing Act

After the first 100 days, vanish.

Tell the media you’re attending “international conferences.” Take photos shaking hands with world leaders, even if it’s just the hotel manager.

Meanwhile, public schools still don’t have chairs.

Step 7: Name Everything After Yourself

Build a waiting shed? Name it after you.

Plant three trees? Name the forest after you.

Buy a stapler for the city hall office? Congratulations, it’s now the Honorable You Memorial Stapler.

Step 8: Hire Your Entire Family

Government jobs are for relatives only. Nephews, nieces, cousins thrice removed—everyone gets a title.

Experience? Who cares. This is politics, not a meritocracy.

Step 9: Play the Victim Card

When people start asking where the money went, cry on TV.

Say you’re being “politically harassed.” Accuse someone of a conspiracy. Extra points if you blame the opposition, the media, or even aliens.

Step 10: Run Again. And Win.

After four years of chaos, run again. Promise the same things. Act like you’ve never held power before.

And somehow… you’ll win again. Because voters love second chances. Even 5th, 6th, and 7th chances.

Bonus Tip: Build the Dynasty

When you finally retire (a.k.a. flee to another country with full pension), make sure your spouse, kids, and pet chihuahua all run for office.

Because in politics, the family that rules together… drools together.