When ‘I Got Your Back’ Comes with Terms & Conditions

Listen. I woke up last week thinking life was fine. Birds were chirping, coffee tasted like hope, and I had this one person I thought was practically the human equivalent of warm bread—soft, trustworthy, comforting.

Turns out they were sourdough. And not the cute, artisan kind. The kind that attacks your intestines.

While I was out here enjoying life as if we were best friends in a shampoo commercial, this person was secretly casting for Betrayal: The Musical—with my spine as the main prop.

Here’s how it went down:

I find out, casually, like someone telling me the weather forecast. No drama, no thunder in the background, no ominous crow cawing on a fence post. Just a random person going, “Oh yeah, you didn’t hear? They’ve been talking about you.”

I swear my soul left my body, grabbed popcorn, and came back like, “Oh, this I gotta see.”

Now every nice thing they ever did suddenly feels suspicious.

• The time they brought me coffee? Probably laced with bad vibes.

  
  

• That one time they said, “Don’t worry, I got your back”? Oh honey, yes. With a knife set from the Deluxe Betrayal Collection™.

  
  

• The compliments? Just verbal anesthesia before the surgery of deceit.

And the way it hits you… whew. It’s like finding out your emotional support puppy has been working part-time as a wolf. Here I was defending them like a loyal Golden Retriever while they were busy plotting like a raccoon with a Wi-Fi connection.

But you know what? I’ve decided to thank them. Truly. Because now I don’t waste my time handing out VIP passes to my peace of mind like it’s a theme park. Lesson learned: not everyone smiling at you is on your side—sometimes they’re just checking your back for open stabbing slots.

So yeah, cheers to new beginnings. I’m off to build a fence around my trust issues, maybe install a security system, possibly hire a bouncer.