You ever try to be mean and just... fail? Like, epically fail? Like, you go in thinking, This is it. This is the moment I unleash my inner villain, and five seconds later, you’re apologizing to a chair for bumping into it?
Yeah. That’s you. You are physically, emotionally, and spiritually incapable of being mean. You could have the perfect comeback locked and loaded, but the moment you go to deliver it? Boom. It comes out as, “Well… um… your shoes are very… practical?”
You’re Too Nice for Your Own Good
Someone could cut in front of you in line, and instead of saying, “Excuse me, I was here first,” you’d probably smile and think, Well, they must be in a hurry. Maybe they have an emergency. Maybe their cat is on fire.
You hold doors open for people who are still a football field away. You say “sorry” when someone else steps on your foot. And if you ever try to give someone a dirty look, it just makes you look constipated.
Your Version of Revenge is Hilariously Weak
“Oh, they hurt my feelings? I’ll show them! I’ll… still be nice to them and maybe just think mildly disappointed thoughts in their direction.”
The most aggressive thing you’ve ever done is accidentally ignore a text for three hours and then apologize profusely as if you committed a crime.
You Can’t Even Fake Being Mean
Ever tried roasting someone? You want to participate in the playful banter, but your insults are so bad they sound like compliments.
Friend: “You’re so bad at being mean. Go on, say something rude.”
You: deep breath “Your haircut is… very… brave.”
Friend: “That’s not an insult.”
You: “Okay, fine. You… um… you smell like… like fresh laundry but not the good kind!”
Friend: “That still sounds nice.”
You: crying “I’M SORRY, I DIDN’T MEAN IT.”
The Struggle is Real, But It’s Also Hilarious
Let’s face it. You are the human equivalent of a warm, cozy blanket. You can’t hold grudges. You forgive people way too fast. And if you ever tried to be a villain, you'd probably end up hugging your arch-nemesis and offering them snacks.
And honestly? That’s kind of amazing. The world needs more people like you—kind, gentle, and hilariously incapable of being mean. So keep doing you. Just maybe work on not saying “sorry” when someone sneezes.
(But let’s be real—you won’t.)
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